


Dying isn't my end goal

by Jocoserious_Oddity



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Blood and Injury, Gen, Gun Violence, It's just kinda angsty, Ned Chicane Lives, Not full hurt comfort, TAZ Amnesty, but ned vents to mama about being an ass and mama's just like 'yeah but we like you you ass', spoilers for Episode 28
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29096664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jocoserious_Oddity/pseuds/Jocoserious_Oddity
Summary: A gunshot exploded in the clearing.Ned slammed into Danny, and felt a burning pain in his side.“Ned, this is going to hurt a whole lot.”That was the last thing he heard before he felt like he was being stabbed –for once not because he was robbing someone or being robbed– and passed out.Ned lives AU, because I need more of these. Written for a school assignment, be warned.
Relationships: Barclay & Edmund "Ned" Chicane, Edmund "Ned" Chicane & Mama
Kudos: 11





	Dying isn't my end goal

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry that this is filled with context, way more than fanfics have any right to. I wrote it for an English project, and my teacher wanted to know what was happening.

Everything had gone wrong. Ned Chicane, local cryptid museum owner, had just had possibly the worst conversation in his life with his coworker, Aubrey Little, his coworker in the Pine Guard, someone he considered a friend. Someone who now hated him. Sylvain, the world from which Bigfoot and other cryptids originated, the world he was meant to help hide as a Pine Guard, had been outed on TV. The whole town, maybe a hundred people, had headed out to the Gate to Sylvain, intent on attacking. The Abomination, neither Sylph nor human, that had been causing trouble, was still alive, it had been on TV. He’d rushed to the Gate, to do what, he wasn’t sure. Stop the angry mob? Try and block the Gate? 

That didn’t matter, because somehow, Aubrey’s girlfriend, a Sylph vampire-type, had managed to be teleported to the clearing in front of the crowd. The crowd that was full of civilians armed with rifles and fear, although Ned had convinced most to lower their guns. She had moved to attack, and Ned had rushed to stop her. 

A gunshot exploded in the clearing.

Ned slammed into Danny, and felt a burning pain in his side. They crashed to the ground, with Danny on top of him. Without hesitation, she reared her head back and started to dive her jagged teeth down into his neck. Just at the last second, Barclay, Bigfoot and one of Ned’s friends, wrestled her away, holding her under the arms while she squirmed. From where he was laying, Ned could see Barclay, big and burly, carrying a deranged Danny back into the woods, towards Amnesty Lodge, the home on Earth for exiled Sylphs. 

Mama, owner of the Lodge and leader of the PG, watched them leave, and then looked down at Ned, who realized everyone in the clearing was looking down at him. In the crowd, the only rifle that was still pointed outward with some smoke coming out of it belonged to Pigeon, who looked terrified. As Pigeon collapsed to the ground, Ned tried to sit up, reaching to his back, which was starting to burn. He touched a spot near where his shirt was ripped and the pain became excruciating. 

As he fell back to the ground, he could hear Mama talking to Sheriff Owens. He couldn’t make out what she was saying through the pain, but Sheriff Owens ran off towards where the townsfolk had parked their cars, presumably for help. 

As his head cleared, Mama knelt down and asked him something, to no avail. After a second she asked again, more urgently.

“Ned, can you hear me? Where’d you get shot?”

“I- yeah, yeah I can hear you. My- My back, it’s hurting a whole lot. Kinda burnin’, y’know?” 

She sighed, nodding. “I don’t know, but I’ll take your word for it. We need to apply pressure to the wound, we can’t have you bleedin’ out, alright? I’m gonna push you over now.” With that, she reached under him and flipped him, jostling his wound and making him grunt in pain. Finally seeing the wound made her hiss in a breath, before she ripped some of the rest of his shirt off and placed it on the wound. “Ned, this is going to hurt a whole lot.”

That was the last thing he heard before he felt like he was being stabbed –for once not because he was robbing someone or being robbed– and passed out.

~~~~~~~~

He was being moved again, a slight breeze in his beard.

~~~~~~~~

The sound of rapid beeping, panicked voices, pressure on his chest. 

~~~~~~~~

Angry tears, a soft hand holding one hand too tight and rough on top of his other.

~~~~~~~~

When Ned finally woke up, it was to the smell of medical cleaner and flowers.

It took him what felt like an eternity to open his eyes and see the white ceiling tiles. A hospital, some time during the day.

He took a deep breath, feeling a sting in his back and something, bandages, wrapped around his chest.

Ned looked around, feeling a bit like he was underwater. They had him drugged up, that explained the lack of pain.

There was a table to his left, completely covered in flowers. Huge wrapped bouquets to singles, all placed meticulously in jars of water. There was a second table next to it, holding dozens of get-well cards. They were standing up and facing him, probably so he could see them when he woke up. 

The last time he had been in this hospital, the staff had been nice enough. He looked around for the nurse button, but instead saw Barclay sitting in a chair on his right. He chuckled a bit at the man’s awkward pose, with his chin on his shoulder.

That chuckle quickly turned into a coughing fit, which woke Barclay up enough for him to grab a cup of water that was sitting on yet another table at the foot of the bed and offer it to Ned, who took a few gulps as soon as he was able. 

“God, Ned, slow down. You just woke up, we can’t have you drowning on us,” Barclay joked, a tired grin on his face.

The next few minutes were spent in comfortable yet awkward silence, Barclay tapping away on his phone while Ned nursed his cup of water. Neither man ready to speak and both wanting to let the other speak first. The silence was only broken when the door opened up and Mama walked in, her phone and a tray of two steaming-fresh coffees in hand. 

“Ned! Glad you decided to join us in the land of the living. I’d offer you a coffee, but the nurses would have my head,” she exclaimed, putting her phone away and handing Barclay one of the aforementioned drinks. “Now, it seems like we have some talking to do. About last week, and about your relationship with Aubrey”

Aubrey Little, whom he had met years before but not exchanged a word with till a year ago. Aubrey Little, whom he had robbed years ago, in the dead of night with his partner in crime. Aubrey Little, whose house had burned down that night, taking her mother with it. Aubrey Little, whose father was the only family she had left, alongside her pet rabbit. Aubrey Little, who had told him to skip town and never talk to her again. Their relationship, ex-friendship, was to be discussed.

“So, I take it I’ve been out for a week, then? That’s a shame, I feel like I’ve been taking just a nap instead! Maybe the doctors haven’t been giving me the right medicine.” He was usually more resistant to cracking under pressure, when not on pain medication. 

“Ned, what in the world were you thinking? You could have died, right then. D’ya think Dani would be fine with that? Do you think Aubrey would want you to off yourself? ‘Cause if so, you clearly haven’t been working with the same girls I know. I know you and Aubrey had an argument, and we’ll get to that in a bit. But Aubrey, kind-hearted Aubrey, would have been devastated if you died, she was already upset enough that you’ve been unconscious in the hospital for as long as you have!” Mama’s hands were moving wildly through the air, emphasizing her words. She sighed, running a hand through her hair. “Ned, please, just, never do something like that again.”

“I don’t plan on it, ma’am. Dying is not my end goal in any case,” he chuckled in a vain attempt to lighten the mood. “Can we skip to the next lecture, now, or will we have to wait another week? ‘Cause I’d rather get on with that. Yes, I robbed Aubrey on that night that killed her mother. Yes, I’m sorry for it. Yes, I will leave town the second I’m out of the hospital and never bother you folks again.”

“Now, wait a minute right there Ned. Who said anything about you botherin’ us?” Barclay confusedly interjected, a hint of hurt in his voice. 

“Well, Aubrey seemed awful intent on it when we had our talk. She wants me to leave town, so she never has to see my face again. I assumed y’all would take her side, considering what ‘sides’ we’re talking about, here,” Ned gestured to himself. “An ex-conman, who has robbed more than he can count, including two people who considered him a friend. Who also posted a video online of another friend, whose life has been endangered because of it. Along with that, I also set up a TV show that the goddamn shape-shifter Abomination could use to set up a small militia against a dying planet.” He gestured to Mama and Barclay. “Versus a young woman who was robbed, had her mother die in a fire, had her family heirloom stolen, was lied to, and then whose simple request for the robber to leave her life wasn’t fulfilled. The odds are pretty heavily in favor of not liking me, so I’m not sure what else I should think. Y’all should want me to leave, and I should do just that.”

“Ned, Aubrey’s willing to try and move past that night. You weren’t the cause of that fire, and you’ve apologized for it many, many times. I think, at this point, she just wants you to make up for what you did.” Mama sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Now, I’m pretty sure that nurse has been standing outside the door for roundabouts this whole conversation, so, think we ought to let her do a check up on Ned, Barclay?”

At the mention of his name, the burly man startled and looked up from watching Ned’s expression.

“Yeah, sounds good, Mama. Ned, I’ve got some cleanin’ at the Lodge to do, but we got Stern to not report the whole Gate situation to his boss, and I think he might wanna have a little chat with you. You feeling up for it?” Barclay asked as he stood up from his seat. 

“A federal agent, chatting with an ex-con man about aliens. Sounds like the start of a bad joke,” quipped Ned. “Sure, send him in. I’ll make sure not to let him know too much of my mysterious past, gotta keep a leg up on someone.”

As the nurse walked in, they shook their head. “No can do, sir. You’ve got doctor’s orders not to get in stressful situations, and if I’m hearing right, then talking to this ‘Agent Stern’ seems awful stressful. You’ll be eating lunch and getting some more rest.”

Mama and Barclay bid their goodbyes and headed out.

~~~~~~~~

Over the next few weeks, Ned would only receive two or three visitors a day. Sometimes they would arrive in pairs, sometimes alone. Most of the Lodge residents came in to say hello at least once, though some didn’t stay long. Almost a week after he woke up, Dani came to visit alongside Jake Coolice, sharing that Aubrey wasn’t ready to face Ned yet but she would be soon. 

After two weeks, Pigeon was allowed to come in and say hello. She spent most of the visit crying and apologizing, while Ned did his best to show that he was okay, he wasn’t dead, he didn’t want to press charges, please, Pigeon, calm down.

A month later, Stern couldn’t hold off on his report of the incident any longer, and the Feds took over the Lodge. Mama was arrested, the Lodge residents cleared out, and every possible witness interviewed. Stern was nowhere to be found by the Lodge residents, though he was presumably still in town. 

Two months after the incident at the Gate, when the Lodge folk finally decided to do something about the oncoming apocalypse, Ned Chicane was there beside Duck, Aubrey, and Thacker, ready to fight a planet and anything that might harm his friends. He didn’t let Dani get hurt that night, and he wouldn’t let his friends – no, his family – get hurt on his watch.


End file.
